Restorative Justice Week 2008

Fostering a Restorative Worldview through Restorative Communication

Sarah Newton

Our world is a very challenging place to live at the moment; we all appear to be in competition with each other, blaming and not taking responsibility for our behaviour. We all want a quick-fix solution to a problem without putting much effort in ourselves. Unfortunately, people just do not work that way and to move the world towards a more restorative than harmful view, we must, I believe, change the very essence of human nature – the way we communicate.

So much of our modern day communication is based upon stating what we want and getting that. There seems to be little time for connection and real purpose. In fact, the word communication now seems to mean, "Let me tell you what I think!"

If we look up the word communication in the dictionary, it is defined as the activity of conveying information, a connection allowing access and allowing people to exchange thoughts by one of several methods. So in essence, it is an active process that allows for exchanges. Active means that we are fully engaged, connection meaning that it comes from our centre and a place of heart, with the aim of connecting and exchanging with another human being. Yes, it has to be two-way. I like to call this restorative communication.

Restorative, because it aims to re-connect at a very human level, seeks to accept and acknowledge the feelings of others and search for beneficial solutions. Restorative Communication has its roots in restorative justice, which stems from Aboriginal healing traditions and the non- retaliatory responses to violence endorsed by many faith traditions. The roots of restorative justice come from social, theological and philosophical movements and aim to reconnect the person in conflict with their environment.

Restorative Communication has several cornerstones, which are,

1. People are empowered to choose their response.

2. Communication is about reaching beneficial solutions through active participation.

3. Communication aims to restore harmony and allow people to live together in a healthy and safe environment.

4. The relationship comes before anything.

5. We accept that conflicts are a part of human nature and will happen. We therefore view them as an opportunity to grow and learn.

This is in stark contrast to how most of us communicate nowadays.

1. How can I win?

2. How can I ensure this person does not get one over on me?

3. Who can I blame?

So let's look below at the old and new communication paradigms. These are linked to my work with parents and teenagers, but you will see how you can link them to any situation.

Old Retributive Communication Styles

1. We talk about a child breaking the rules and think about punishment. We see it as a challenge to our authority. "You came in late and broke your curfew… you are grounded!"

2. We focus on establishing guilt and apportioning blame. "Did you do that to your sister? You should know better. You need to grow up!"

3. We see ourselves in a battle with our teenager/child for power and we believe our job is to impose some kind of unpleasantness to get that person to do what we want. "You never do what I say and help when I ask… I am going to stop your allowance!"

4. We focus our attention on the right rules, adherence and process to get our child to conform.

5. We see accountability as a loss or a punishment.

New Restorative Communication Styles

1. We see the misdemeanor as causing harm, not challenging us as an individual. We focus on the child taking accountability, which is defined as them understanding the impact of their action. "When you come in late I feel as if what we want is not important. How are we going to put this right?"

2. We focus on problem solving. "Ok, we both live in the same house here and we need to get along. How can we do that and make sure we all get what we need?"

3. We focus on dialogue and everyone is invol ved and gets a say. We focus on reconciliation. "We do not share responsibilities fairly in this house. We need to sit down as a family and discuss how we can make this work for everyone."

4. We place our attention on the relationship. Our desired result is to focus on the relationship, not harm it.

5. We see accountability as a consequence of a choice and work with the child to make different choices.

If we all communicated with restorative communication in mind, then just think how much society could change. If we focused on the relationships above all else, we could all connect with each other at a very meaningful level. If day-to-day communication could shift from a retributive place, then surely the world would be on course to a restorative worldview from the grass roots up.

Please register for the National Symposium
on Restorative Justice

to be held at the Delta Hotel, Kitchener, Ontario,
November 19 th and 20 th , 2008

http://www.cjiwr.com/